


Look Ma, No Hands!

by Bunnywest



Series: Tumblr trash [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack, Derek Is So Done, Peter is a Little Shit, we all have that one uncle okay?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 09:31:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18221333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bunnywest/pseuds/Bunnywest
Summary: Derek should never have shown his uncle that drawing.But to be fair, he was thirteen, and he didn't expect Peter to keep dragging it out and laughing about it... for the nextten damn years.





	Look Ma, No Hands!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Twisted_Mind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twisted_Mind/gifts).



> So we've all seen the book cover with the robot with those extremely...phallic arms, right? This one here?  
>   
> Right.  
> This is total and utter trash written in an effort to cheer up a friend who needed a distraction.  
> Apparently it worked.  
> So I've dusted off the tumblr post and added some punctuation, because if she had to suffer through this foolishness, you can all suffer too!
> 
> (Apologies for the title - I couldn't resist.)  
> _________________________________________________________________

 

 

Derek walks into the offices at Halebot, takes one look at Peter's computer and the evil grin on his uncle's face, and groans out “Not this again.”

“Don’t be embarrassed, Derek. It’s really quite good, for a, what were you, thirteen year old?” Peter says, smirking. “You'd certainly grasped the concept of a jackbot, despite your tender age.”

“I hate you,” Derek mutters, looking to his mother for support, but Talia’s mouth is pressed into a tight line, and he knows she’s suppressing her laughter.

 

* * *

 

The damn picture has haunted Derek since he first drew it. And fine, okay, maybe his working knowledge of the human body was a little sketchy, and maybe (make that _definitely_ ) Peter wasn’t the best person to show it to, but he was proud, okay? It was his first attempt at designing a jackbot, and he’d genuinely thought three dicks would be better than one. What use did a robot have for arms anyway?

Peter had looked the drawing over, hummed, and then he’d explained to Derek in _excruciating_ detail, why exactly a personal service bot, especially one designed for men, needed a working set of fingers, grinning wildly the whole time as Derek had blushed and stammered. As soon as he was able, Derek had fled the room nearly purple with embarrassment, Peter’s laughter following him.

Derek didn’t see the picture again after that, assumed it had been thrown out. But it turned up again three years later. Just after he started dating, in fact. The morning after he spent his first night with his then boyfriend, it had made a reappearance - at the breakfast table no less, because Peter’s a bastard. Peter waited till he had a mouthful of toast, and then produced it with a flourish. “So nephew, now you have some, shall we say, _experience_ under your belt, can you see the glaring design flaw you made with our friend Edward Cockhands here?”

Derek choked on his toast while Peter cackled at him unrepentantly.

* * *

 

Derek didn't end up working in design, after all. It turned out PR was more his bag. It didn't hurt that one of their best sellers bore a striking resemblance to Derek, which resulted in him getting more than his fair share of offers from the prettiest girls and boys. (Peter swore the similarity was a coincidence, but nobody believed him - all the bots Peter designed had a distinct Hale family resemblance.)

There was a day when Derek thought he maybe had some leverage against Peter, when a parcel arrived and Derek mistook the P on the label for a D and opened it. Inside he found a whole array of post-manufacture modifications for a top of the line jackbot- and they weren't small, either. His brow furrowed as he poked at the collection of attachable dildos. Then he picked up the delivery slip and saw Peter’s name, and grinned wildly. “ _Uncle Peter! There’s a box of giant dicks here for you!_ ” he bellowed.

Peter walked into the room and peered in the box. “Excellent! They're the demos for the new models, but no reason I can't road test them." he winks at Derek. "I’ll enjoy these.”

Derek gaped at him. “You’re not serious? Those are massive!”

Peter raised a brow. “That’s the point of them, Derek,” he explained, as though talking to a small child. He picked up one of the detachable robot penises out of the box and gestured at Derek with it, waggling it in his face. “ Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, nephew. Actually, did you want to borrow one? This model with the ridges from the Goliath collection is particularly -“

“STOP TALKING NOW” Derek shouted, bolting from the room.

 

* * *

 

For Derek’s birthday, Peter arranged for a collection of monster dildos to be delivered.

To his office.

Derek opened the box, took one look inside, and slammed it closed. He grabbed the box and walked out, desperate to get it away from public view, Peter’s voice following him as he called out, “Enjoy, nephew!”

Derek’s response was to flip Peter the bird. The last thing Derek heard before the door slammed behind him was, “Oh good, at least he’s realized his hands are useful for something,” and the sound of his mother choking on her coffee.

 

* * *

 

And now , every so often, (meaning whenever Peter’s bored), the damn thing pops up, and Derek has to endure his uncle’s mocking. Here it is again, today masquerading as Peter’s screen saver, the words **_Edward Cockhands_ **dancing merrily across the picture in hot pink letters.

Derek really hates his uncle sometimes.

“You know Talia, even after all this time, I can’t decide whether I’m disturbed by Derek’s lack of basic anatomical knowledge, or impressed by the scope of his ambition,” Peter drawls, smirking.

Derek’s done. He spins on his heel, fists clenched at his sides. “For the last time, it was _CONCEPT ART!_ ” he roars, loud enough to rattle the windows, and slams the door as he stomps off.

The sound of Talia and Peter cackling in unholy glee haunts him as he leaves.


End file.
